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posted on 04/08/2014

Self-judgment can feel to me, well, justified.  But that hard kernel of shame does not yield a fruit of self-control or change or any other good thing in my life.  Instead, it turns into a shield that affects my capacity to receive Love.  It becomes the foggy, warped lens through which I view my every relationship and myself.  I simply don't believe I am loved or lovable. It couldn't possibly be true.

 

In fact, left alone, the little hard kernel of self-judgment grows like an aggressive cancer, wreaking havoc in my life.  The small stone becomes a massive rock that is too large for me to move.  But God (still two of my favorite words), but God is in the business of...

posted on 03/26/2014

I am not a morning person.

 

Some of my favorite words to wake to are, “Your coffee is ready.”  To me that means, “I love you!”  Also, I have broken more than my share of carafes in the morning because, like I said, I am not a morning person.  I’m actually kind of dangerous before 9:00 a.m.

 

So this morning, with my husband out of town and a meeting to go to at 10:00, the first thing I did was make myself some coffee.

 

When it should have been ready, I went to get some but found I had not poured the water into the machine.  I had put the coffee in there, measured it and everything!  So I tried again.

 

...

posted on 03/11/2014

 

I recently had the honor and the sorrow (yes, at the same time) of being at the Memorial Service for my friend’s 24-year-old son, Jason.

 

Let there be wailing and the gnashing of teeth.

 

Death is wrong.  I hate it.  God hates it, too.

 

The service was holy.  And I do mean h.o.l.y.  Grieving his passing.  Celebrating his life.  Thankful for the truth that there is an Act IV coming when all will be restored.  No more goodbyes.  Ever.

 

I hate goodbyes.

 

But here’s the thing. 

 

At his service, nothing was shared about how Jason did or did not...

posted on 02/24/2014
Sorrow is a heavy thing.  Going through the necessary motions of the day, I have felt as though I'm slogging through knee deep mud.  I have felt that way because I have been.
 
 
What a week.  A childhood friend dropping dead in Walmart.  Two different friends' diagnosis of particularly vicious cancers.  Desperate prayer requests coming in from others I love for various heartbreaking reasons.  And then the gut-wrenching call from one close to me sobbing out the news of the unexpected loss of her son.  Twenty-four years old and he didn't wake up.
 
I fell on the floor.
 
Grief...
posted on 02/16/2014

 

 

 

I was twenty-two years old when my father told me that the cancer had returned with a vengeance. We had thought he was clear, done, finished. The CAT scans had told us the cancer had been defeated by the rigors of chemotherapy and radiation. I had shared the good report with my praying Bible study group to cheers.

But it was back. And there would be no reprieve this time. At the unwelcome news, I was no longer twenty-two years old but six, and I crawled onto my father’s lap and told him I was scared. He confessed to me that he was scared, too.

An unknown future. A fight for more years all but lost. What would this crossing over from this life to full LIFE entail? Many of you...

posted on 02/04/2014

I read in the paper today that according to a study done by the Guttmacher Institute, the number of abortions in the United States has fallen to its lowest level since 1973.  1973 was a big year.  On January 22, 1973 in Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court ruled that the right to privacy extended to a woman's decision to have an abortion.  Remember?

Wikipedia states that “Roe v. Wade prompted a national debate that continues today about issues including whether, and to what extent, abortion should be legal, who should decide the legality of abortion, what methods the Supreme Court should use in constitutional abjudication, and what the role should be of religious and moral views in...

posted on 01/29/2014

 

 

I remember the day well that a miracle happened.  My weekly women’s Bible study had broken into our small group of eight and finished up going over the guide’s questions when a woman’s heart showed up.  She didn’t have a question about the passage we were studying.  Her question was about how to believe in the God of love when her pastor husband was anything but loving.

 

That was the miracle.  That she risked bringing her life, her story, her truth, and her pain to us.  The study went immediately from the natural to the supernatural, from the rubber to the road.

 

The next miracle that occurred was that she kept coming...

posted on 01/17/2014

 

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

 

Just to be clear, “Spoiler Alert” means that I’m going to give parts of the story line away.  Downton Abbey, Season Four, Episode Three.

 

Why did I try to keep watching after they (they meaning Julian Fellowes the writer) ripped my heart out and stamped on it leaving me and hundreds of thousands howling.  That would be at the close of Season Three if you’re wondering.

 

It’s a drama. It’s part entertainment, part revisionist history, part wonderful escapism, part quality public television and part something I can’t name.  If you watch it, you come to care about the characters.  Some...

posted on 01/01/2014

 

I’m not going to throw away my scale today but I am going to ask my husband to hide it.

 

A number has ruled my life since a fateful day in the 1st grade.  The school nurse had lined up all the students to record our weights.  There was no privacy screen, no separate room.  One by one each child stepped up onto the scale.  The nurse adjusted the weights and then told the number to her assistant who was recording the judgment.  Err number.  And not in a hushed voice either.

 

My number?  66.  It is the first time I remember feeling humiliation over my body.  Shame rose to color my face as I felt the number measure my value....

posted on 12/17/2013

Christmas is just days away and here I am blogging about something for January!  Craaazy, I know!  And though I would like some particular times to go more slowly (i.e. vacations, holidays, celebrations...) time continues to speed by.  So, I am compelled to put a bug in your ear.

Ok.  Not a  bug.  But an awareness.  An idea.  A suggestion!

January 1st the Becoming Myself DVD series for small groups becomes available and though I am quite personally invested and 100% biased - it's really good!  We filmed it this past April for women to use in their homes, in their small groups, in their churches, in their you name its - to go deeper with other women into the incredibly...

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